Not "Just" a Sub

Here we are, at the start of another school year, and I'm facing the same question I do every year: "So, have you found a job yet, or are you still subbing?"

It's a reasonable question, I suppose, but after hearing it more times than I can count, it feels a lot different.  It feels more like, "Are you successful yet??"

And that is the heart of what I struggle with most about my current profession.  Both within the teaching realm, and without, substitute teaching is often thought of as the lesser position.  "Have you found a job yet, or are you still subbing?" Because we know subbing isn't a real job.

And if I'm being honest, I've felt that way before.  When I started out as a licensed teacher in the Fall of 2006, subbing was decidedly NOT what I wanted to do.  I was pretty much convinced that I'd graduate, get a job and then I'd be set!  In 2006, the teaching profession hadn't experienced the decline in jobs and resources that it did just a few years later.  There were teaching jobs to be found!  And I was pretty convinced I would get one.  After all, I wanted to return to my small hometown.  I knew the schools (I'd volunteered in them), I knew the entire interview committee.  They all knew my parents - respected teachers who had worked in the district for 30 years each.  It was a given that they would give me one of the 4 open positions I applied for.  A given.

Except it wasn't.  They chose other applicants and I was devastated.  But it was OK, I'd sub for the year, and then they'd really know me and I'd get hired the next year.  I didn't love subbing, but I survived.  Occasionally enjoyed it, but was so ready to be done!  I applied for jobs again, interviewed again, with people I not only knew, but had worked with as a sub.  This time I was IN!

But then came the crushing blow that I was not.  Again.

So I weighed my options and decided that I didn't want to limit myself to this small district that seemed set in their decision to not give me a chance.  I moved to Salem - a district with no fewer than 45 elementary schools.  And I subbed again.  I went all over town to nearly every school in town.  I started to get to know people, but then came the budget cuts, and there were no jobs to be found.

And so for the next few years I subbed, and applied to whatever jobs that appeared, but didn't get called to interview for any.

Things have started to turn around slowly for schools, and jobs are becoming available again.  I've applied to some, but have found myself not nearly as disappointed to be turned down.

Why?

A question that has plagued me for the past year.

Why am I relived?  Do I WANT to still be subbing?  Do I?

But if I do want to sub, what does that say about me?  Do I have no ambition?  Am I not capable?  Because as I've heard the question so many times - "Have you found a job yet, or are you still subbing? - I've let the thought creep in - subbing is not as important.  It is not as valid.  It is not a "real job".

How can I admit to having this fake, illegitimate teaching job?  How can I admit to choosing it?

But you see, those thoughts are wrong!  And I know it.

Subbing is one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I walk into a classroom everyday not knowing what lessons I'll be teaching, not knowing what duties will be expected of me, not knowing what students await.  I sometimes have as little as 5 minutes to read a teacher's lesson plans and make sure I know where everything is and how to teach it - if I 'm lucky enough to have plans at all!  How's that for terrifying? Here are 30 students whose names you don't know, and you don't know what they've already done, and you don't know when they have P.E. or lunch and good luck keeping them engaged for the next 6.5 hours!  Sometimes, students are hostile.  Sometimes they are just loud!  Sometimes, they don't understand the task they are supposed to be doing and you end up teaching something else entirely.  I have to fake confidence, because if they sense that I'm not in control, it's all over.  I have to learn 30 names in a couple hours.  I have to make sure the students learn what they're supposed to, make sure they arrive to places on time, keep them under control, and solve any number of emotional, relational problems that happen, and sometimes, I've never met these kids before.

Subbing is hard.  It is not a lesser job.  It not something I should feel embarrassed about.  And I've finally realized that.

Next month begins my 7th year as a substitute teacher, and you know what?  I'm proud to be a sub!  This year, I'm not apologizing or feeling ashamed of what I do.  When someone asks me "Have you found a job yet, or are you still subbing?"  I'm going to say with a smile, "I'm subbing!"  No apologies from me.  No shrug of the shoulders and sad expression for not doing what everyone thinks I should want to do.  I believe God has called me to sub, and I'm not sure for how long that will be, but I'm glad to be doing it.  I no longer want, or need anyone's sympathy.  My job is valid, important, and needed.  And I'm good at it.  So I'm going to be the best sub there is.  Look out students, I'm coming back!  And teachers?  You know my number. :)